UTS:021 sinner(s)

journal entry or lamentation, on verra*

<yes, the cover photo is Heated Rivalry clickbait, you’re welcome>

sinner

she wont’t be a sinner
like Angelina, nor like the woman from Ipanema
this time
don’t hold a torch to the sun

— from Torch Song by Ondara

…

dear Lord, I’m a sinner

I can’t do the fast right. I’m not reading my bible enough, even though I committed to one chapter a day - just one chapter. I picked up a book this morning and it’s got no chapters in it, but I’ve already made it to the twentieth page. so why couldn’t I commit to one chapter a day?
 
dear Lord, I’m sorry, I’ve been half-assing the daily prayer calls I said I would show up for. I show up, sure, but only for half the time sometimes, and then I’m half asleep and it’s only to fulfill all righteousness. I know that you cannot be mocked and I know I am fooling no one but myself
 
dear Lord, forgive me, I’ve been distracted by the Heated Rivalry Boys (praise be). I am only a woman Lord, a mere mortal yet. with only so much temptation I can flee. why make them in your image if I am not to look. I who love images, I who am created in yours
 
I can’t help it, Lord
 
… 
 
my first love was freedom
his mother called him [redacted] 
but 
everyone called him freedom 
now I call him forgotten

…
 
get Intuit [inner speech]

so I've found myself at a Turbo Tax party (get Intuit—ha). somewhere between the coq au vin, the crispy duck and the beef short rib wellington, my bouche has become très amused, merci beacoup. I circle the first bar (only a few times) to steal glances at the cute waiter who reminds me of the Heated Rivalry boys— yes, somehow, both of them precisely. it can only portend a good night ahead

oh Lord, I spoke too soon and now, short men keep approaching me. I'm filled with a sudden panic that I’ll end up with one (ah ah, from where to where??). never mind that article on heightism that Dr. Mitra made us read on the first day of her Economics of Discrimination class back in ‘16. wow. wow, okay, that's a deep cut baby girl. let's put the glass down now, take a deep breath and your last bite of this chewy chocolate caramel tart (wow I love alliteration)

Anderson .Paak will come on soon 
and then you will go home
and all will be right in the world
 
ugh, I feel bad for ignoring this man (this is ridiculous, I don't know or owe him, and why can’t he take a hint??). Anderson is on stage now, and we can't hear a thing anyway, being all the way at the front (stop yelling in my ear and let me enjoy this set, damn)

get away from me 
ahhhh
 
he asked my name
:/

I gave my usual fake name, only took seven repeats before he heard (kiss my teeth)
his name [redacted]
like my favourite nurse 
I heard it the one time :)

I respect the effort and I've kept it cute but 
please walk away from me now
oh God, hint finally taken

damn
…
 
sinner II

tormented because I have to decide between 
God and Foundations (a catechism class)
and 
Fuck, Marry, Kill (an improv show I booked lmao)
 
I who suffer from 
The Particular Plight of Indecision 
 
what to do?
I must give my 
response to the pastor
before the day is done
 
forgive me Lord 
for I am a sinner
who will sin again
 
oh won’t you show me the reason for the cross
not your cross, dear Lord
but mine
I know it’s selfish Lord
I just can’t help it

I'm tired 
I've tried

ten toes dipped into the seven deadly sins
ten fingers two
that cannot be
		good

 
@m3r1Kkk0n has gotten the better of me 
dear Lord 
I fear (s)he has gotten the very best of me
I fear 
I will 
give up
surrender 
not to you 
dearest Saviour 
but the evil
I bow not
		to the eye
 
…
 
I feel betrayed my therapist
it’s irrational, I know 
she may have even told me 
about the notes (perhaps I forgot, I doubt that though)
but I didn’t know they were there 
and it floored me to read them all at once 
hit me in the gut 
felt like a slap to the face, really
Generalized Anxiety Disorder 
a diagnosis I wasn’t aware of
at least not from her
the label isn’t untrue 
but neither is my rage
it will pass too 
it has passed
now
…
 
smoking out in the snow 
in my platform crocs 
trying to forget about life 
for a while 
settle in to reheat my rivalry 
for only the second time
it’s what I deserve 
 
still

I haven’t done my Duolingo for the day 
and so I must break 
from suspending my disbelief 
touch the real world 
just long enough
 
come back now
look who forgot 
about
life for a while 
…
 
in the end I chose Foundations
    I chose God
            would that it mattered 
 

---

speaking of Sinners (the iconic film this time), and the infamous BAFTA incident this weekend past, Toni Morrison once said:

The function, the very serious function of racism is distraction. It keeps you from doing your work. It keeps you explaining, over and over again, your reason for being. Somebody says you have no language and you spend twenty years proving that you do. Somebody says your head isn’t shaped properly so you have scientists working on the fact that it is. Somebody says you have no art, so you dredge that up. Somebody says you have no kingdoms, so you dredge that up. None of this is necessary. There will always be one more thing.

---

it pains me to live in a world where the BBC chose to air that moment, grieves me to wake up to news of yet another bombing.

Fuck racism, I mean that with all disrespect, and I refuse the distraction.

si c’était le mien <le monde>*

if God doesn’t answer my prayers 
is he still good?
 
if my favourite yoga instructor isn’t here today
do I still have a good class?
 
if God is not man
why attached to masculine pronouns?

if the rain canceled my plans 
do I still have a good day?
 
if he loves me not
am I still woman?

(petals falling) 

I know you think you’ve seen the last of me
I assure you good sir
the worst is yet to come 

I wrapped your love around me like a chain
But I never was afraid that it would die
You can dance in a hurricane
But only if you’re standing in the eye

— from The Eye by Brandi Carlile

---

*on verra - we’ll see
*si c’était le mien <le monde> - if this world were mine (roughly)

---

I added both quotes songs to the under the sun playlist! check it out while you’re here:

and one more thing:

until next time,
Idinma